In honor of the obvious importance of self-published material to the future of the information highway, I have elected to publish a list of self-quotes. Here you will find none of the cynical and tactless comments that you might typically hear from me or find me quoted as saying. Rather, I include here a variety of Handeyesque humor that I have in fact never said.

For example, "Who could possibly be egotistical enough to provide others with a selection of self quotations?"

A response that should have been a quotation to one of my students: "Good answers are as important as good questions, and almost as hard to find."

"Too bad I'm slow of mind."

"My favorite Jack Handey paraphrase goes as follows: `I believe in preserving the environment for our children, but not for our children's children.' Imagine your television scrolling for a bit here. `Because I don't think that children should be having sex.'"

"If freedom of speech should be interpreted broadly as the right to create order, should we not censor Herrick as a subversive?"

On the modern form of an antiquated word: "Abet used to mean, at least according to Webster, `to approve, encourage, and support.' Now abet means, at least according to ABET, `to completely redefine metrics of success in a way that focuses on outcomes rather than on processes.'"

"The moral? Oh, yes: If you can't beat them, redefine the metric of success."

"New math: what a misapplied concept! We should be teaching my bank's accountants to total my expenditures modulo $100 before deducting them from my account. That would be great new math!"

"Hi, I'd like the Basic Checking account please. Yes, the one where the deposit balance is interpreted as decimal and the withdrawal balance is interpreted as hexadecimal."

"What did I mean, `slow of mind?'"

"I apologize for the groosome humor."

"You thought those were cynical? Really?"

"No wonder my cribbage page is the one most visited. I've been invited to join virtually every (every virtual) gambling establishment in existence because of that page."