If Jack H. were President

If Jack were elected President, what might he say? Here are some possibilities...

"I am fully aware of the drought situation in the Midwest. I plan, however, to continue to focus my attention on the crisis in the Middle East. I live in the East, so for me it strikes closer to home."

"When my kids were growing up, they went to a school next to a church. Neither one had a big parking lot, so they shared space. School events were on weekdays, and parents could park in the church lot. Masses were on Sundays, and churchgoers could park in the school lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in this modern age with very limited parking, separation of Church and State is not appropriate."

"My critiques have accused me of not knowing the meaning of sovereign, but in this they have underestimated me. A sovereign is a king or a queen, which is an evil that we as the democratic nation must work to eliminate."

"My fellow Americans, today my intelligent agents gave me the disturbing news that as many as three out of five terrorists speak French. This must be stopped. I have ordered legislation mandating that all public schools stop teaching this language. Instead, they will teach American, which will be known in the future as 'Freedomian,' and will be taught immediately following the morning prayer. I expect that other governments--particularly those with a history of sovereignty--will join us in this blow against terror. Remember, in the war on terror, you are either with us, or you are against us."

"Some wiseacre English lord recently criticized my successes abroad by arguing that new heroes often emerge Phoenix-like from the severed heads of the fallen. I'd just like to point out, as many of my fellow Americans already know, that Phoenix is not even in the Middle East. It's in the Southwest."

"When I think about my legacy, I find it hard to imagine Americans forgetting about the $10 trillion dollar debt that I worked hard to build on their behalf."

[from an official release] "Now that Obama has taken office, we expect that, within only a few decades, Americans will once again be able to laugh openly at Canadian coins."